Crime 1. I know a guy who does coffee enemas for the mafia. He'll bust a cappuccino in your arse. 2. I had a fight with one of the characters from Bambi. Thumper? No just kicked her in the face. 3. A man was in court for refusing to perform oral sex. The judge said he was guilty, so he was sent down. 4. It’s actually illegal to go too deep underwater and lose your hearing. That’s deaf by dangerous diving.
Electrical Appliances 1. I've got a speaker under my TV that looks like a pub full of cool people. It's a sound bar. 2. I got a clock stuck up my bum. The doctors removed the minute hand but couldn’t find the other — so I had to ask for a second opinion. 3. My mate reckons his penis allows him to watch pirated movies but it does mean he has chlymidea. I knew he had one of those dodgy fire pricks.
90s music 1. I can never remember who sings that song Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It was Deep Blue Something. 2. Oasis are going to launch their own brand of car. And it will be completely silent. Because She's Electric. 3. I keep getting hit by one of the members of Chumbawamba, I get knocked down but I get up again. They love Chubthumping. 4. If bought a meal from Liam Gallaghers favourite curry house. It made me sick, so I'll always remember - it was chunder dahl... 5. If I was a well looked after animal on a farm owned by Radiohead. I'd probably say...I'm a sheep but I've been sheared though.
Birds 1. For fancy dress I’m going as an animal that looks like a big duck and goes honk honk. What is it? You’ll never goose. 2. Me friend is so small he says he could ride on the wings of a dove. I think that’s Madness. 3. They say your mum likes men with parrots. I don’t know… but she has had a cockatoo. 4. I love going out to buy bird seed, to me its such a Trill. 5. I have many puns about birds. But this is the most Emu-sing.
Health 1. Every time someone steals my oats and barley, I get a headache. I’m always suffering with migraine. 2. I crashed my 4x4 and the paramedic said, “You should see your jeepy.” I said, “I know — it’s wrecked.” 3. I don’t trust doctors. One told me I needed more iron — I’ve still got the burns 4. Every weekend I dress-up as Gothic 80 year-old woman and sing "If I could turn back time." I'm practicing self-Cher. 5. You should always arrive at a gynocologist with your thighs covered in butter. Why? Because they are gonna ask you to spread your legs.
World Leaders 1. The thought of founding my country makes me nervous, I just don't have the constitution. 2. The Pope is very popular, he has mass appeal. 3. The owner of Spud-u-like wants to start his own country. I wouldn't want to live under that Dictator. 4. I see nothing wrong with gay politicians, as long as they've got the mandate. 5. I'm not sure which President smoked the most weed. But Clinton and Obama are probably joint leaders.
Sport 1. Dating must be difficult for horses. They must always dressage to impressage. 2. I did martial arts with a guy who had no pubes, I think it was Brazilian jujitsu. 3. Is it time to play snooker? Yes, that's my cue. 4. My grandfather left his antique fishing gear for me in his will. But I don't want his old cast offs.
America 1. What's the 49th state? My geography teacher, she'll know, Alaska. 2. You can't wipe your nose with a baseball team! What about the New York hanky's? 3. Why do all cowboys smell so good? They never forget to use rodeodrant. 4. I went drinking in an American high school, so of course, we did shots.
Winter 1. I saw a show called Star Trek on Ice. Or as it should have been called Ice Spocky. 2. When you are Welsh, winter is very sexy time, everyone is in their winter woolies. 3. I dropped out of Uni because it was too cold, now I've got zero degrees. 4. Why are droplets of ice so small? Because ice ickle. 5. My rice crispies are frozen, must be experiencing a cold snap. Crackle pop. 6. Had a guy ring me trying to sell a freezer. Typical cold caller.
Drinks 1. I have to drink out of a sparkling wine harmonica , I'm not fancy enough for a champagne flute. 2. I got drunk on a boat. Whisky with water? You're telling me, I fell in. 3. I have some great stories about vaginas, but when you work in a bar, people are only interested in cocktails. 4. I dropped a glass, before it hit the floor it did 3 backflips and a cartwheel. It must've been a tumbler. 5. I know a guy who does coffee enemas for the mafia. He'll bust a cappuccino in your arse.
Safari Animals 1. It's sad, You never see an egg on safari, you know why? Poachers. 2. A deer and an insect ran away to get married. It was an antelope. 3. Having sex with safari animals is my favourite thing in the world, I'm really in my elephant.
Musical Instruments 1. I never get tired of playing the piano but I do get keyboard. 2. In a music shop, I walked into a large metal disc, I took a gong turn. 3. I watched a dirty movie set in an orchestra, the content warning at the start said, "Warning this film contains sex and violins." 4. On the way to music practice I realised I forgot my instrument, I was like Oboe!
Outer Space 1. Have your potatoes been stolen by the Russians and then sent into space? You've been a victim of Spudnik. 2. I saw that one astronaut came back from space with a really muscular bottom, too many assteroids. 3. John Lennon. Tupac. And almost Donald Trump. What have they got to do with Space? Shooting Stars. 4. I've always wanted to be quizzed by Bradley Walsh in zero gravity. I suppose I should go to the International Chase Station. 5. You ever seen a drunk astronaut? It's just what happens when they get interstellar.
Farms 1. You ever met a horse with bipolar? Definitely not stable. 2. I saw a farmer get arrested while herding sheep, illegal ewe turn. 3. Testing drugs on pigs, cows and sheep is one big conspiracy, I blame big farmer. 4. I've got a mask of the main character in the film 'Babe', I would say more but I don't want to be pig headed.
Disney 1. I went to a Disney quiz, during the Toy Story round I thought I knew the answer, but I forgot to Buzz in. 2. I had a fight with one of the characters from Bambi. Thumper? No just kicked her in the face. 3. I saw porn parody of The Jungle Book. I love a good Baloo movie. 4. I don't think I'd like to play one of the seven dwarves, you've not got the best chance at being Happy.
Science 1. Do have a bunch of jokes about chemicals? Yes, it's my Chemistry Set. 2. Harry Potter kept telling his ginger friend about a interesting chemical, but all it did was Boron. 3. My mate Liam has a squeeky voice, so uses to pronouns heliam. 4. My science teacher also was a drug dealer, he had a bunsen burner phone. 5. The guy who invented the nuclear bomb tried to start a fight with me, I was like "ok don't have a pop-enheimer."
UK Pun Off
Bread puns, love them or loaf them... I've taken part in the UK Pun Off a number of times and won it twice. Check out the categories below for some of the highlights and lowlights.